In a previous blog post describing the (lengthy) timelines of a recent grant application, I mentioned that I may have a mild version of an imposter syndrome which could be a potential topic of a later blog post. Well, this is not a ‘potential topic’ anymore as today’s blog post makes it a ‘current topic’ (and the next blog post will obviously make it a ‘past topic’).
Anyway, for those who do not know this syndrome, it basically encompasses a feeling of anxiousness, self-doubt, and incompetence coupled with a fear of being exposed as a fraud. Typical symptoms include not feeling worthy of success, difficulty accepting positive feedback, blaming accomplishments on luck, and overpreparing for tasks. Moreover, this syndrome seems to occur rather frequently among academics, hence it would not be unusual if I or any of my direct colleagues have it.
Since a couple of weeks, however, I am pretty sure that I do not have this syndrome, even though I blame many of my accomplishments on luck, I still cannot fully believe that earn my current position, I am overpreparing for tasks most of the time, and I have difficulties accepting compliments. That last ‘symptom’, in particular, made me realize that I do not have the imposter syndrome but, instead, just have a rather skeptical attitude towards compliments. And this attitude mostly explains why can identify myself with some of the other symptoms.
Central to the abovementioned realization was a feeling of calmness I experienced in the past weeks which was new to me and which I could initially not explain. I could also not understand this feeling when considering the recent loss of my mother and the associated mourning process, my new role as a father and the accompanying sleep deprivation, and the tough trajectory to become an official university teacher which has been wearing me out lately. Following some conversations with my partner, however, I came to the conclusion that my calmness was caused by the many times I felt recognized and rewarded in the past six months. Such appreciation is apparently something I need in order to feel happy about myself, and I seemed to need it in a large quantity at once to truly ‘believe’ it for one of the first times in my life.
From a personal side, for example, I can joyfully share that the smile of our little one gives me a feeling of appreciation every day. Indeed, becoming a parent changed me and my life quite substantially. From a professional point of view, I got a good evaluation during my results and development interview this year, and the most recent edition of ‘my’ course received a good evaluation from the students while it was furthermore rated as very good during a quality assurance assessment performed by the board of examiners. In addition, the research line I have meticulously been building over the past four years is starting to gain momentum with both my PhD students getting up to speed with their projects and me receiving quite some attention from national and international colleagues. With respect to the latter, I received invitations for giving presentations at various conferences across Europe, and the audiences seem to appreciate our findings, both from an analytical and a clinical point of view. Admittedly, these results rely mostly on biological factors beyond my control, and I am furthermore benefitting from the names and reputations of my collaborators. But still, I am pretty sure that many of our (surprising) findings could only be done based on my diverse backgrounds and my sometimes rather unusual trains of thoughts.
And what is next? Well, I only just started teaching and my research line is still under development, so I am far from satisfied with what I have achieved thus far. Or let me rephrase that, I am satisfied with what I have achieved thus far, but my academic journey has only just begun!
analyzed-by-frank.com 